I can't help it, everyone says "It'll never be perfect" but that is what I want for Jackson, a perfect life. He deserves it, he has had to deal with so much already and I cannot imagine what other obstacles he'll have to overcome. I have a really hard time focusing on the positive because there is so much to figure out. I can't even enjoy the milestones and the things that he is doing "RIGHT NOW" that are so wonderful. Why can't I? It is that race, the race to the ?finish? Really, will there be a FINISH? But the race is real and I feel like I am running it each and every day. Are his teachers doing all the right things for him, why does it take so long to develop a behavior support plan, why can't people do their jobs? Are we exposing him enough to the community? Is he independent enough? Should we be doing brain gym, seeing a counselor, making charts and graphs and lists more often? When can we just live our lives? And then, tonight he is (at 150 lbs mind you) telling me he is "skipping" around my house. God bless him, he isn't skipping at all, he can't do it! Really lets go back to when the graduated him from PT in kindergarten, wasn't skipping part of the process? It isn't about that, he can't skip, but it is too in so many ways. What can't he do and how will that hold him back from a full life, or will it matter at all?
I enjoy most days of my life, really I do. I love being with my husband and my children. They make the journey so much more enjoyable and even though I'd prefer to go to the grocery store with my husband (and no kids) and hold hands and feel free and say "It's like we don't have kids" with a big smile on my face, I don't really mean it. I love them and my life is perfect with them but we are all far from perfect. I want to always do what is the best for them and sometimes I am just not up to the task. Riley is anxious about everything, she worries all the time, she is just like me. It is a real zinger lately though that she does this to me because for the first 9 years of her life she was the 'easy' one. She always went along for the ride, happy to be there, head out the window smiling in the breeze type girl. Now, it is like she is making up for lost time with the worry and the attitude and the sass. I suppose it is the pre teen girl thing. I'm not ready for it, I need my "go with the flow" daughter because that makes me happy and it makes the big picture easier for me. She isn't the one that should have any problems because Jackson has so many issues. It isn't fair they both should struggle. I could handle her speed bumps in math in the 2nd grade where her teacher pulled out all the stops to help her learn. I didn't think that in the 5th grade I'd be asking the guidance counselor to see her about crying in the classroom. I didn't see it coming, I brush it off. I can't really do that anymore, she needs me to notice that she has struggles too. Is it because she listened to me worry all those years about Jackson and was my sweet, innocent little companion? Now she is making up for lost time, for all those years that I didn't worry about her, she is making up all that worry now and is attempting to handle it herself.
I want to enjoy the days, of non-skipping and game playing to win and anxiety free weekends before the Sunday's come and take it all away. I need to find ways to enjoy my life more and worry less but tell me how do I do that when I have a child with special needs and social skill deficits and another with anxiety ridden days at school and pre teen on the horizon?
