And he's 12...

12 years ago and he was born ~ it seems like a liftetime and only a moment in time too.  Its like I didn't know what life was like before him and now, I can't remember what my life was like without him.  Mike pointed out the other day that we've known about Jackson's autism since he was around 3.  That is 9 years, that is a long time too.  But, when I think about the 12 I can remember some things.  I remember when he didn't talk and could not communicate his needs and wants.  I remember he couldn't say Mommy or I love you, and now he can say that!  He can say it and feel it and I am so thankful each and every day that he can.  He was so excited to come into the kitchen this morning and see the decorations, he came right over to me and hugged me and thanked me.  It obiviously has become something that he expects on his birthday and something that he loves.  Twelve years.  That is longer than a lot of things.  Looking back I was afraid of what we were up against, and in some ways, I still am.  But the things I thought would never happen for him, like talking and communicating, having friends, riding a bike, drawing and expressing himself: he does all those things, and he does them well.  Now as my worries change I have to remind myself of the old worries and how I thought they'd never happen and then they did.  He can do anything, he is an amazing kid.  When you listen to his voice and look at his face when he is talking, you may notice some subtle differences from typical kids his age, but if you listen with your heart, like I do, you notice his love, kindness and compassion, his brilliance and details and his self assurance.  He will keep surprising me and putting my worries to rest.  He will always say I Love You and he will always feel it!

I'm done

I'm done, or at least that is what I keep telling my kids.  "I love you", I say, "but I'm done with your behaviors!"  Its argue and fight and yell and stomp and scream and kick and push and I'm sick of it!  Tonight it is about who is sitting where on the couch.  "It's always been my spot, since forever," says Riley.  "But I WANT to sit there,"screams her brother.  If it isn't about where they are sitting, which often occurs at the kitchen table, its over the actual space at the kitchen table.  It could be breakfast and Riley stumbles out in her robe, eyes half open and Jackson, already at the table for 30 minutes and 2 bowls of sugary cereal later has his many books, papers, pamphlets, stickers, you name it on his side of the small round table.  Riley in her sleepy obnoxiousness pushes something of his ever so slightly closer to him and away from her, albeit whatever she pushes is not "on her side" at all.  This elicits a "HEY" louder than I need to hear at breakfast and that is where our morning really begins.  From there, I shudder if they end up in the tiniest bathroom together, trying to use the toilet and brush teeth.  We try to send them in separately but sometimes we make mistakes!  Yelling and arguing continues until we get Jackson in the car to drive him to school and then once they are gone, I breathe a sigh of relief.  It isn't long though, until I arrive at 3:30 pm to the same scene, a little bit different in the topic over which they are arguing but it sounds the same.  "I can't do my homework at the table with him making so many noises", "Riley was going to tell on me about how I spoke disrespectfully to her!", you name it, there is something to argue about.  And then tonight we are back to who is sitting where.  Sometimes I equate my life to a roller coaster, things go up and get better, then there is the downward portion when things get worse. When I look at the day I had today I'd say its more like hanging from a bungee cord that is continuously bouncing up and down, hanging always, day in and day out and all the blood is rushing to my head!  Help!