And so I'm back to this, my thoughts, although now they are so mixed up I don't even know how this will make sense to anyone.  So, it goes.  1 month and 8 days since the fire.  Arrive home this afternoon about 3pm and the kids are plugged in.  I do some quick computer stuff and house pickup stuff.  I check out what Mike got done today.  I kiss the kids.  I say hello.  My stomach aches because I know at 4pm Emily will be here to work with Jackson and I can't ever predict how that will go, but it is 2 hours that I have to be "on" even if I don't want to be.
Surprisingly they do their homework and it goes well.  Emily checks Jackson's and he is all set.  Riley does her own, she rarely ever asks for help, now I'm wondering if that is really a good thing.  Mark that another thing to worry about.
We play Apples to Apples.  For like an hour and a half!  It should be fun but it isn't, when you are looking for behaviors and eye contact, good sportsmanship and all that kind of stuff, when you are under the microscope, it isn't fun any more.  I know that I should jump on board and care about this but i'm just too tired.  Then, the phone rings, it's the landlord and there is a problem, this time its our problem, not theirs like the hot water heater, shower, leaky sump pump, leaky faucet to the driveway, gas leak or furnace not turning on because of the rust dripping down into it, this time it is that the rent check didn't get to them and that isn't good.  Are you keeping track?  That is one bad thing!  I call the company that is supposed to pay them and get like 3 people who assure me that they'll look into it, but do I believe them?  It doesn't really matter at this point!  I email the landlord to tell her where we stand and then i just leave it, pray that it'll work out and know that I can't fly that plane.
Next?  Well its just the FB messages, like the one from a dear friend that says "See, it all works out"  are you KIDDING me?  Really, it "works out"?  How do you figure?  Standing in the kitchen, making all that I can muster these days, pasta, and crying while it boils, hiding my tears and face if the kids walk in.  Afraid to cry in front of them because the dictation is "Be strong for the kids!"
Worse possible person to call me when I am feeling this way, yup, he calls, my brother.  Some quotes and beatitudes later, I'm feeling even more like crying, something about not being in control of tomorrow and forgetting about yesterday, does this stuff help anyone?  Not me, not now anyway!  He talks to the kids and that is good, just to give me time if only for a minute or so.  Then he tells me that mom broke her wrist.  Really?  But she said "don't tell Sheri, she'll be beside herself" because, yes folks, I really am that unstable!  But its my fragile mom and I need to take care of her, right?
Finally, the phone call ends and I'm finishing feeding them when the phone rings and Traci says "Sheri, are you expecting anyone at your house?"  Its 7:15 and I am a little confused so I immediately think there is someone outside of 22 Pearl and I should be scared, the tone of voice she used.  Morph to reality and I realize she means 190 Oak and there are some men in the driveway on a dark night over there so she walks over to ask them what their business is.  Cut to me texting Mike and getting no response to calling him and trying to talk to him on my cell and Traci on the phone, impossible so I don't even know if I got anything from either one, other than confusion!
Mike says "Yeah, I gave a bunch of guys the lock out code"  nice, really nice, that is really nice!  How can we really keep track of this, it is a debacle to say the least.  I thank Traci and hang up with her and then I bark at Mike "I've got to get Jackson to practice" and I hang up abruptly.
We get in the car and behind the dark windshield I can cry just enough to still see the road and the traffic to safely get Jackson to Adams.  Its dark and no one can see me, Riley climbs into the front seat, 3 stuffed animals in her 11 year old hand, ready to have me "talk" them to help her to feel better, and I just can't.   But I do, I muster up the animation and I try.  It isn't easy but its what she needs.  I go back to "do it for the kids" and what am I supposed to do then?  Cry in the dark when everyone is asleep?  I guess that is what I should do.
Riley and I get gas for the van, its snowing but I can't really see the beauty in it, usually I can, but not tonight.  Then I feel like treating us, for what I just had to go through from 4pm to 7:15!  We get ice cream and come home to eat it, for Riley it is a treat, for me, its dinner and it'll tear my stomach apart, because we were in CVS but did I pick up my medicine?  No, I didn't know it was ready until ~ quite like my life lately~ the timing sucks and the phone call from CVS to say it was ready came while we were there!
Eating Cherry Garcia and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough from Ben & Jerrys has a calming cloak.  I sit next to Riley on the couch and watch a show.
I'm dying to journal but spend the next 40 minutes trying to find on on the mac that is like the one on the iPad but wasted time!  So here I am, I'm back!  It sucks and i'm tired all the time, I can't get out of my own way, I can't get anything done.  I can't figure out Jackson's plan or Riley's struggles, I can't do my job and come home to do the mommy thing.  i can't figure out how to do any of it, or all of it, or some of it!  It's just useless, isn't it?