And that is just since I got home.....

picked up riley from soccer ~ ranted all the way home about how much homework she had. she had finished her math at school and some of her science this week each night. she had a TON of spanish, her midterm grade is 76~ paper came home today, she was bummed "are you mad at me?" x6 already! I typed her science answers as they were written by her, they needed some love. I had to read the science packet (I read it last year too so this is twice for me) and helped her sentences, she was fine letting me do that. I said the Spanish looked Bueno! what do i know? I checked her math (all if the problems 15, she had done all of them at school and checked most but she asked me to check them anyway) lots of simple math errors so she was pissed that we had to go back and fix them all! she is also all the way home worrying about her social studies project (part 3 of 3, we already did 1 and 2) because it is due NEXT friday and we won't have any time this weekend to do it...she has packed a special "poster bag" to bring to NY so that she can work on it there! OMG. She ate her dinner and had a shower and she is packing for NY now, so.....im sure she'll have a hard time falling asleep.

jackson and i talked about the phone call when i got home (he understood and apologized with puppy dog face), i fixed the computer in two clicks, he was happy. he had computer time while I ran Riley to soccer. he finished his math (dividing fractions, do you remember how to do that?) and i had to check them all (30 problems) and he had to go back and fix 3! Not bad. He and I studied last night his Wellness (test about "stress" we should all be experts, especially me!) and his suffixes, he's all set, he even studied the Nitrogen Cycle for a quiz next week, getting ahead of himself. His note said he had a pretty good day! Not a word about warts or tye dye! He is watching Ningago now. He had to cancel 30 rock, he said "Mom its either 30 Rock or Big Bang, I have to cancel one"...

additional notes: I called about Riley's backpack and to stress her out more, they want to pick up her current ripped one tomorrow, i have to leave it out for UPS, in what, who knows, and they'll ship her a new one. Means she has to use an old one for 3 days (but mom, i don't understand! blah blah blah) I picked up pizza from Sals and dropped off good will then went back to pick up Riley practice ended promptly at 6 ~ thanks to coach north! The pizza was good, salad bad (wilted lettuce) but I got $2.59 back so free dinner with change works for me....I haven't packed a thing. second load of laundry in washer now. uggh....and its only 8:14 so I'm sure there will be more! So Ive got to pack and transfer Riley's worldly belongings into an old backpack and stuff the ripped one into some box and, oh yeah, didn't I want to have enough energy left to write to the school and ask for a team meeting regarding Jackson? 

You invited who on our vacation?

Friday night, it's the end of our fourth week of camp. Grewling 5 days a week, from leaving our house at 7:35 and returning home no later than 5 p,m.! Long days! All I want is a big old glass of wine, some take out food and my couch. Settling in and feeling relaxed. He says "I have some news" which always equals bad news to me. It's our short, three night planned vacation in R.I. He has in some way inadvertently invited his newly divorced friend and his son along by naming the place we are staying and the exact nights we'll be there! He apologizes and thinks that it's all better! I try not talking to him for about an hour and the wine along with camp nostalgia talking with my daughter get me to open up and enjoy the night. Oh well, what can I do at this point anyway. If I complain, I am the uncaring wench that has no feelings for the poor alone single father, sucky situation to be in. And then with just a little more each time I realize that it keeps chipping away at the positivity that I have left, which is very little at this point. What is there that I have to look forward to? What I thought was there, is no longer, something has got to give sometime. Sigh.

I ripped your favorite red shirt and the cats have no water!

Does it ever end?  On the way home, I have to drop off the Girl Scout check to a leaders house, one that just got done telling me on Sunday how she doesn't work, of course the house is HUGE!!  Wondering why.... I come home to the newest version of the daunting IEP on the counter, thank god it is next to a note saying that Jackson had a good day, some saving grace.  I call to make sure the owner of said mansion got the check in her mailbox.  I would have brought it up to the front door but I thought I might cross over into another country the driveway was that long!  She proceeds to talk my ear off, literally and I can't even get in the words "I have to pick up my daughter now" for a good 10 minutes, of stuff, not stuff I need to know by any means, just rambling!  Finally I set off to get Riley, keeping my head down so as to not make eye contact with anyone in the hallway at pick up from ceramics.  I've left my son at home, playing video games, where when I do finally get home, he has tallied up a good 2 hours!  Yikes.  I look up while waiting for Riley to see one of Jackson's teachers.  She says "come here, let's talk" and that is all I need to allow the tears to flow.  She reminds me that we shouldn't "chop" Jackson up, he his a whole person and reminds me too that he is a 6th grade boy and she has experience as that population's teacher so she should know.  I don't have that reference so I tend to forget and think that all that my son is, he is alone~ forgetting that there are other 12 year old boys out there, maybe they do behave like him.  I am thankful for the lessons and I get some reassurance that I should be cautious in what I am seeing on paper and from some teachers who may not get to spend a lot of time with him as well.  I get the message, proceed with caution, just through the eye contact we make.  It also says to me, "You know best but remember to look at the whole child!"  I leave with my almost 11 year old daughter feeling a little bit better.  Off to Dunkin Donuts not only because I need an iced coffee but I need to get "birthday breakfast" for Riley and a little something for J. too.  The cashier can't manage my coupon so I expend some of my patience solely because I am too tired and I think I'm holding up the counter.  She figures it out and off we go= smack dab into traffic.  We make it home by 4:30 and like I said, my 12 year old has been playing Skylanders for 2 hours.  When I send him upstairs to start his math homework, I sit down at the computer.  Afraid to do anything but I start researching IEP goals involving emotional regulation, not the right time as I am immediately overwhelmed!  Once back upstairs I find my son reading his super hero's book on the couch, and when I ask if he's finished his homework (because I've been on the computer for close to 30 minutes) he says "No, Mom, I was giving my eyes a rest before I started it."  Really?  I am shaking my head.  Riley is making props for her Wax Museum project, cleaning barrettes and putting on millions of bracelets, she's quiet anyway and not bothering me.  I manage to send an email about Riley's birthday party and enter all my slips into the Money program on the computer, see my money drain away, into nothing.  I check email and FB.  Back upstairs to start dinner, and I walk by J who says "Do you notice something different?" and I look down to find him naked on the kitchen chair doing his homework ~"I'm hot" he says.  I can't even look at him and all I can say is "I can't do this anymore", I say it aloud and Jackson says "what can't you do?" and I don't answer.  It is a lot to even think about answering that question.  He manages to pull himself together and then asks me if I've had a bad day, "you must have Mom, is that why you are cranky, what happened today?"  I still can't find the words so I just agree, yes, I'm cranky from a long day.
Open the fridge next to find something for dinner and there are bags and food on top of food and it is all very disorganized and it causes me to .....cry, yes cry.  I open my fridge and cry.  I'm at rock bottom right?  Can it get any worse?  I manage to pull together a "smorgasbord dinner" and the kids eat it, they are really into it.  They even eat veggies and fruit.  And then onto making lunches for tomorrow, it is J's field trip and R's birthday.  Both lunches have to be good.  Oh hell, that is right, I'm sitting at the computer down stairs thinking, "Did I leave something unattended upstairs?"  Riley just yelled, the water has been boiling for a while now mom!  That was it.  Oh well, down to feed the cats and get J a paper bag for his lunch tomorrow.  I see Mike's favorite red shirt hanging from the laundry chute and I pull, even though it doesn't give right away, I keep pulling, I'm so angry.  There ~ I put a huge hole in it and go feed the cats, they love me but I look over and again like so many other times, they have no water.  Deep breath and keep moving, it is the only way.

Median Trouble

The paper says "find the median for a list of 18 numbers".  Not feeling very sure of the help I could give Riley, I honestly tell her "I'm going to check the computer", where I find that you list the numbers in the order they go and find the middle.  If you have an uneven middle, you are to add the two numbers together and divide by the number you have and you'll get the "place" of the number which is your median.  But Riley strongly disagrees.  Although her numbers range from 28-53 she thinks the median is "8"...to which I cannot convince her that the median is one of the numbers in your data.  She says "That is not how my teacher taught us this today!"  Being supportive (*not) I write in pen next to her answer "Riley and I don't agree on this one"..and that being said, I walk away.  She still is adamant that her answer is right, me too.  I know that when she gets to school, her teacher will sort it out.  I just have to have my opinion on the paper.  When will I learn to just let it go?  That is what I am trying to teach her afterall.  I know that I am not the best example to follow. She just wants to "check it off her list" that her math homework is done and not look back, not correct or discuss or adjust.  Hmmm, who does that sound like? Yes, me!  Oh well, another day!

A quiet house, goodnight!

So quiet here in my house tonight.  Mike and Jackson are at Nature's Classroom.  A 6th grade "rite of passage" here in Holliston.  Putting it on the calendar months ago and now it has finally come.  I'm happy that Mike is there with him.  I want this to be a fun and successful experience for him.  Tonight Mike called and said "He's doing great...he's had so many positive and wonderful interactions with kids"..."this boy asked him if he was playing GaGa after dinner and he said Yeah!"...."he volunteered to be the first waitron"..."he kept his cool when he started to get upset about his shoes getting wet" "he tried lasagna after saying he didn't like it and ate 3 helpings of it at dinner".  Phew, I thought to myself.  Well he's off to a good start.  Mike followed those comments up with "He yelled I have to poop! on the hike and the girls around him heard and turned to look at him"..."he was wound up after the butterscotch pudding at dinner and he made his unusual sounds and faces, a lot of kids just looked at him"..."he sneezed right on Teresa, he couldn't help it, but you know how he is..no sense of personal space".  Taking a side step into his Autism.  I'm sure that he is having a blast.  The kids that are with him, know him for the most part, his quirky faces and voices.  A lot tolerate him, some are intrigued and a few really just like him for him.  That is enough for me.  I hope that each and every day he spends there he learns something new, not just about nature, but about human nature.  With his dad by his side, I can't see how this won't happen.  His science teacher had Mike's ear today for about twenty minutes.  She said how Jackson has taught her so much.  She said when they assigned him to her, she was a little apprehensive.  Looking back, she reflected, she had pre-judged Jackson because she had worked with children on the Autism Spectrum before.  She said she wished she hadn't prejudged him.  She told Mike that he is an amazing kid and has made her a better teacher by being in her class.  Those are the things I long to hear.  The times when you want so badly to hear positive things because they just make the journey seem, well what word to choose here?  better?  I certainly missed doing homework with him this afternoon and calling him to dinner from the basement half a dozen times with no response, having him finally show up with enough books, papers and accessories to cover half the extended kitchen table, enough for Riley to say "Jackson you are taking up the whole space."  I missed him asking for soy milk without making eye contact and then shaking his glass at me when he wanted more, without once looking up from the latest captivating book or paper he was working on.  I missed watching him select too many shows to either record or watch.  And certainly the arguing was missing tonight too, whether it be over what show they were watching, what snack he took without asking, how close he sat next to her on the couch, the faces he made in the bathroom while she was using the toilet, her yelling for him to "turn down your birds."  All that was missing.  And as I tucked in Riley, I walked past his bedroom where I'd usually see his unclothed body climbing into his cozy bed with all his stuffed animals and his water bottle, the desk chair with the sound machine ("the birds") pulled just up to the mattress and the glowing night light in the distance, the smile on his face when he asked me to kiss Sealy and watch him faint, as well as whatever other little stuffy was next to him.  Then I didn't get to kiss his bean and tell him "right to sleep....there is xxxxx(fill in with whatever event was going on tomorrow) tomorrow, and you need your sleep!" Door open, hallway light on and I love yous as I would walk up the hallway.  So quiet without all this stuff.  I know Mike has already tucked him in, his photo of Sealy nearby and his nightlight and birds too.  His water bottle and his tush tucked into his sleeping bag.  I miss him but I know he is safe and sound and sleeping with Mike right next to him tonight!  I tucked in Riley sans all that fanfare, she doesn't require much just 4 cool packs from the freezer and a heated up warm pack.  A few choice stuffed animals nearby that I usually "talk" and a call to "fix my covers".  I took off her glasses and placed them in their polka dot case, kissed her forehead to say goodnight.  "Mom, I miss Jackson.....(long pause and a look of surprise on my face I'm sure)...oh and Dad too!"  "You miss your brother?  That is sweet" is what I say.  I miss them too, I tell her.  Goodnight my sweet daughter who really does love her brother!  Goodnight my sweet boy with his dad at Nature's Classroom.  Goodnight!

Skip it!

I can't help it, everyone says "It'll never be perfect" but that is what I want for Jackson, a perfect life.  He deserves it, he has had to deal with so much already and I cannot imagine what other obstacles he'll have to overcome.  I have a really hard time focusing on the positive because there is so much to figure out.  I can't even enjoy the milestones and the things that he is doing "RIGHT NOW" that are so wonderful.  Why can't I?  It is that race, the race to the ?finish?  Really, will there be a FINISH?  But the race is real and I feel like I am running it each and every day.  Are his teachers doing all the right things for him, why does it take so long to develop a behavior support plan, why can't people do their jobs?  Are we exposing him enough to the community?  Is he independent enough?  Should we be doing brain gym, seeing a counselor, making charts and graphs and lists more often?  When can we just live our lives?  And then, tonight he is (at 150 lbs mind you) telling me he is "skipping" around my house.  God bless him, he isn't skipping at all, he can't do it!  Really lets go back to when the graduated him from PT in kindergarten, wasn't skipping part of the process?  It isn't about that, he can't skip, but it is too in so many ways.  What can't he do and how will that hold him back from a full life, or will it matter at all? 
I enjoy most days of my life, really I do.  I love being with my husband and my children.  They make the journey so much more enjoyable and even though I'd prefer to go to the grocery store with my husband (and no kids) and hold hands and feel free and say "It's like we don't have kids" with a big smile on my face, I don't really mean it.  I love them and my life is perfect with them but we are all far from perfect.  I want to always do what is the best for them and sometimes I am just not up to the task.  Riley is anxious about everything, she worries all the time, she is just like me.  It is a real zinger lately though that she does this to me because for the first 9 years of her life she was the 'easy' one.  She always went along for the ride, happy to be there, head out the window smiling in the breeze type girl.  Now, it is like she is making up for lost time with the worry and the attitude and the sass.  I suppose it is the pre teen girl thing.  I'm not ready for it, I need my "go with the flow" daughter because that makes me happy and it makes the big picture easier for me.  She isn't the one that should have any problems because Jackson has so many issues.  It isn't fair they both should struggle.  I could handle her speed bumps in math in the 2nd grade where her teacher pulled out all the stops to help her learn.  I didn't think that in the 5th grade I'd be asking the guidance counselor to see her about crying in the classroom.  I didn't see it coming, I brush it off.  I can't really do that anymore, she needs me to notice that she has struggles too.  Is it because she listened to me worry all those years about Jackson and was my sweet, innocent little companion?  Now she is making up for lost time, for all those years that I didn't worry about her, she is making up all that worry now and is attempting to handle it herself.
I want to enjoy the days, of non-skipping and game playing to win and anxiety free weekends before the Sunday's come and take it all away.  I need to find ways to enjoy my life more and worry less but tell me how do I do that when I have a child with special needs and social skill deficits and another with anxiety ridden days at school and pre teen on the horizon?

And he's 12...

12 years ago and he was born ~ it seems like a liftetime and only a moment in time too.  Its like I didn't know what life was like before him and now, I can't remember what my life was like without him.  Mike pointed out the other day that we've known about Jackson's autism since he was around 3.  That is 9 years, that is a long time too.  But, when I think about the 12 I can remember some things.  I remember when he didn't talk and could not communicate his needs and wants.  I remember he couldn't say Mommy or I love you, and now he can say that!  He can say it and feel it and I am so thankful each and every day that he can.  He was so excited to come into the kitchen this morning and see the decorations, he came right over to me and hugged me and thanked me.  It obiviously has become something that he expects on his birthday and something that he loves.  Twelve years.  That is longer than a lot of things.  Looking back I was afraid of what we were up against, and in some ways, I still am.  But the things I thought would never happen for him, like talking and communicating, having friends, riding a bike, drawing and expressing himself: he does all those things, and he does them well.  Now as my worries change I have to remind myself of the old worries and how I thought they'd never happen and then they did.  He can do anything, he is an amazing kid.  When you listen to his voice and look at his face when he is talking, you may notice some subtle differences from typical kids his age, but if you listen with your heart, like I do, you notice his love, kindness and compassion, his brilliance and details and his self assurance.  He will keep surprising me and putting my worries to rest.  He will always say I Love You and he will always feel it!

I'm done

I'm done, or at least that is what I keep telling my kids.  "I love you", I say, "but I'm done with your behaviors!"  Its argue and fight and yell and stomp and scream and kick and push and I'm sick of it!  Tonight it is about who is sitting where on the couch.  "It's always been my spot, since forever," says Riley.  "But I WANT to sit there,"screams her brother.  If it isn't about where they are sitting, which often occurs at the kitchen table, its over the actual space at the kitchen table.  It could be breakfast and Riley stumbles out in her robe, eyes half open and Jackson, already at the table for 30 minutes and 2 bowls of sugary cereal later has his many books, papers, pamphlets, stickers, you name it on his side of the small round table.  Riley in her sleepy obnoxiousness pushes something of his ever so slightly closer to him and away from her, albeit whatever she pushes is not "on her side" at all.  This elicits a "HEY" louder than I need to hear at breakfast and that is where our morning really begins.  From there, I shudder if they end up in the tiniest bathroom together, trying to use the toilet and brush teeth.  We try to send them in separately but sometimes we make mistakes!  Yelling and arguing continues until we get Jackson in the car to drive him to school and then once they are gone, I breathe a sigh of relief.  It isn't long though, until I arrive at 3:30 pm to the same scene, a little bit different in the topic over which they are arguing but it sounds the same.  "I can't do my homework at the table with him making so many noises", "Riley was going to tell on me about how I spoke disrespectfully to her!", you name it, there is something to argue about.  And then tonight we are back to who is sitting where.  Sometimes I equate my life to a roller coaster, things go up and get better, then there is the downward portion when things get worse. When I look at the day I had today I'd say its more like hanging from a bungee cord that is continuously bouncing up and down, hanging always, day in and day out and all the blood is rushing to my head!  Help!

My Now-life

It is the first day back to school after a long ten days off for the Christmas holiday.  Today we knew would be a long day and as I sit here, at 6:48 pm I know that I still have to go out in the cold again to get my son from basketball practice.  Off we all went to school this morning, it wasn't that bad getting up and out because I made sure we were "all ready" last night.  Driving home at 3:05, Mike called to report his doctor's appointment had gone well and so I took a deep sigh of relief.  He also said that Jackson was 'off' when he picked him up.  No big surprise there however, being that routine must have hit him square between the eyes at about 7:30 am as he walked back into the Middle School.  From the moment I walked in the door at 3:30 it has been the "stuff", you know the "stuff" of my now-life!  My babysitter and kids, along with a former babysitter who stopped by to visit were all at my kitchen table.  Papers, books, notebooks everywhere, and the radio on loud!  Jackson playing angry birds on the kindle fire, Riley listening to her ipod, the same thing that was playing on the radio, and singing!  Now, these two babysitters don't know one another to my knowledge so here I walk into this scene!  I catch up briefly with the one who is leaving and then have a chat with the former one.  At first I was thinking, timing, really you are here, NOW?  Then I just relaxed to the idea and went with it.  Finding out about her most recent adventures and travels somehow kind of took me away from my world for a while.  It was like living my former life, prior to kids, out loud with someone else talking.  I had to know all the exact places she'd been in Europe so I could close my eyes and remember the ones I'd been to.  It was lovely to hear about the food and the fun she had.  Somehow the piles of homework and assignments on my table just faded from my view as she briefly took me away from my now-life.  Then, she left.  Flooding back came the chicken nugget dinner, was there enough ketchup?, the homework that needed to be checked, test signed, calendars checked, websites with assignments checked, lunchboxes emptied out, thesaurus consulted, kindle fire wrapped up, vegetables that needed to be served and oh, yeah, a grilled cheese for me.  Emails from teachers about Jackson's day, printing lunch calendars, and sending emails to return messages was next.  Dinner, out the door to practice and scooping up cat poop from the floor!  But when I dropped off Jackson at practice, when the doors to the gym opened up and I heard "Hey there he is" echo out from the kids and coaches, I could just about have cried.  All the now-life that gets me down, all the stuff that needs to be done, all the time I spend coordinating it all, it all seems to be worth it when I hear those kind words from kind people.  And all the stories about travel and adventure slip away and my now-life doesn't seem so bad.  It seems comfortable and warm and kind.